Lonely? Heartbroken? Wallowing in a crater of self pity, with only the pixelated, hollow eyes of a barely legal, drug addled porn star on a laptop screen for company? Yes I was.
So, in an, now blatantly futile and extremely confused, attempt to free myself from the shackles of my new found loneliness, after the break-up with my year-long girlfriend, I decided to create a companion. The recipe was simple, take one pillow, one jumper left behind by said ex-girlfriend (preferably with remaining scent), one football (the head), and other accessories as desired- I personally plumped for jewellery and a wine glass held on by cello tape. And there she was, my very own pillow girlfriend. My pill-hoe. This is the story of my brief but deeply important relationship with my fabric beau, and hey, why not? How to pursue your own textile love affair.
Disclaimer: Now I feel it’s necessary to point out here that this venture was in no way a sexual one. The main reason, amongst many, being the depression brought on by any attempt at sexual gratification at that point in my life. However, this was to cure my lonely heart on strictly a-sexual terms. Please use pillow girlfriends responsibly.
So, how did my brand new pillow girlfriend stack up against my actual real life ex-girlfriend? In terms of the company they provide it was a close contest. Although it may seem like a no brainer, after all, the company of a virtual girlfriend is no match for a reality girlfriend with actual words. But, the power of ‘no answer means yes’ or, as I chose, simply using a magic eight ball to generate answers, can actually lead to stimulating conversation. The added bonus of being able to tell her anything, like the fact you create people from furniture decorations then tell them secrets for example, without the fear of seeming weird.
We spent what felt like an eternity of happiness together. We talked for hours, about our greatest loves and our deepest fears, but predominantly ‘yes’, ‘no’ and ‘ask again later’. We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons, well indoors as I felt public opinion wouldn’t favour our relationship. But, here on public record, I whole-heartedly endorse pillow girlfriends, wives and even sons and daughters.
It was, without exaggeration, the best relationship of my life. But, alas, my new found happiness was destined not to last. And, in a twist of fate worthy of Shakespeare or the Hardy Brothers, our love story came to an end. It was time for bed and I needed her torso for head support.