You Know – Sometimes the Underdogs Simply Do Not Win

by Stewart Oakland

Portsmouth have had a tough season both on and off the field, what with debts spiralling to upwards of £160 million, points deductions, and of course, their relegation from the top flight of English football. The little guiding light at the end of the tunnel for the Pompey faithful though, was the trip for the Wembley for the F.A. Cup final. The second time they have reached the final in 3 years, previously facing Cardiff City in 2008, though this time it was up against the Premier League Champions, Chelsea. The odds were against them, it seemed like an impossible task against a Chelsea team who looked almost unbeatable. They were.

That’s right. They lost. Of course they lost. The underdog is the underdog for that very reason. Take note small men and ugly women – you are about to be schooled in the world of knowing your place.

Case Study of Destruction: November 2009 – Wajid, Somalia

Some cultures praise the underdog, reviling the favourite with a supreme sense of hatred. They love to see one man against hundreds of foes, facing them in one, last, valiant stand. They want to see the sports team with no money and the  least competant players to win all the cups. They want to see a stron woman come up against injustice against all odds…

Some cultures apparently do not.

Take for example the militant al-Shabab group, currently ruling over northern Somalia with a supreme hatred of underdoggery. In November 2009 we saw one of the greatest battles the world has ever seen – one Woman, whose only crime was that she loved too much, forced to do battle with legions of armed extremists. Her only hope: Take them down. One. By. One.

Oh, so she didn’t win? You are all assuming. Of course she didn’t, because of course the crazy guys that are the al-Shabab really hate underdoggery. Take away her weapons, yes, that’s only fair – the cheating slut – then, I don’t know…bury her up to her waist?! Yes, that was always coming – as was the stoning they swiftly delivered up next.


Evidence of God’s Holy Retribution

If that little anecdote of good natured ribbing wasn’t enough for you – how about some quickfire cold hard truths. And some lies.

Basically, God, in all his factual power, has a severe dislike of the underdog, equalling perhaps even the levels of Simon Bar Sinister, and really loves nothing more than to kick the living beejesus out of them with his God boots.

Underdog:  Alexander Alekhine
What They Did: At the age of 25, Alekhine defeated the previously deemed ‘undefeatable’ Jose Capablanca, in one of Chess’ biggest upsets to this day
What God Did: Got his brother murdered 10 years later in 1939

Underdog: Greece
What They Did: Only went and won the Euro 2004 Football Championships, against odds of 150-1
What God did: This list is pretty lengthy. The 2008 Greek riots, the current crippling economic problems. All God. Oh, and the widespread wildfires that popped up in 2007 and 2009. Him too.

Underdog: Adolf Hitler, noble painter
What They Did: Rose from obscurity and opposition to successfully bring a post-war Germany, crippled with debt, to the forefront of Global issues during the 30’s and 40’s once again.
What God Did: Made him shoot himself – and probably did something deity like to the Nazi bullets, cheating bastard.

Underdog: Luis Garavito
What They Did: Against all odds, came up against over 140 ‘men’ and dispatched swiftly of every last one of them.
What God Did: Put some hoodoo spin on things and declared him a ‘serial killer’, adding that those ‘men’ were boys ranging from the ages of 6-16. Man does that suck.

No more is really left to be said, so I’ll leave you with the fine words of Edgar Watson Howe

“The underdog often starts the fight, and occasionally the upper dog deserves to win”


Back God…Back a Winner!


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